my struggle

i guess that i have struggled with what to write for about 18-24 hours now.

you see its hard for me to be very honest and yet show love. I was completely taken aback yesterday by the attendance at our church. How can you refuse to show up when you are most needed at your church and then come on a celebratory day for those of us who stuck with it. Frankly i don't know how God was pleased with our worship yesterday.

but that is not what im struggling with. See in no way am i perfect or would i ever think of claiming to be. But i also make this my goal 1 Timothy 4:12 as a young person growing up in church you always hear about how people shouldn't look down on you because of your youth and the message usually stops there.

but i've always taken and i do mean always cared about the "being an example" paul doesn't tell timothy "hey man don't let people get you down cuz of your age, you don't deserve that" instead its more like "hey tim, people shouldn't look down on you for your age but you have to be an example, you must put a priority on your lifestyle more than a priority on their criticism.

its also funny that speech is the first thing mentioned o be careful what you say.

but with this blog i want people to know the real me and i struggle to do so because of this verse sometimes. lately i have let more people "in" than ever before to what im thinking, to how i feel, and to my needs and desires but not everyone.

the reason why is because well im supposed to be above board im an example. I'm not a say one thing do another guy im an example, a hard worker, and im committed. it straight up makes me mad when i see the lack of commitment i saw the other day. it hurts, really hurts.

that people have so many bad things to say and be so just down right evil in their speech and can come into a worship service and praise God like nothing ever happened is just completely shocking.

but you know what i said hey God is a miracle working God and these people can change, this pastor has a heart for discipleship and really loves teaching the Holy Spirit will change some lives here.

at this same time im really starting to realize where my place is what im good at and embracing it with more passion and fervor than ever before. and yet i get the news from my parents that we are leaving.

do i know why? yes

am i upset? yes

do i blame them? not in the least bit

do i think its the right decision? honestly im not sure

so now that i have this passion this deep driving passion to teach young people i have to start all over again from scratch of being an example. you have to earn people's trust and devotion and i was beginning to do that. but now i have to start over.

and im just not sure why. why would i suddenly discover this passion and God take it away not just once but twice. not only that but have to start over from scratch. if you know me you know im not a sit and soak guy im completely the opposite.

so why? i have essentially 5 months left before the prospect of moving becomes a reality why now? why the distance?

before ya know kristen is in sc but i've still got my friends now those relationships are sure to take a dent. why? frankly im heart broken and i want you guys to understand my heart. its hard for me to let people in. im just tired.

its so hard. i try to smile and bear it like hey my fiance lives in another state but im doing awesome! but i just can't its too hard. im tired of the distance i can't fulfill my passion i just can't see where God is moving right now except for that im learning.

im tired of tears im tired of the struggles im just looking for the end of the valley and basically it looks like a 5 month old valley.

im not looking for answers or advice because i want God to answer my questions so if you have advice keep it to yourself. i don't want advice i just don't. and guess what you probably haven't been there. i'm sure your fiance didn't live about 12 hours away or go out of the country for a year. i just don't want advice.

but this is where im at. i don't what or how to feel and im just...

its just hard ya know.

so i need prayers i need encouragement and i need God more than anything else.

stay steadfast please. be honest and open and challenge people.

Crosspointe i pray that God would ultimately change you in a way that you can't see right now a way that i know God wants you to. Quit being mediocre start being great.

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